Apparently this is an insecure week for me. An unsure week. A bitter week, too. I realized this after going back and reading my last few blogs.

Apparently this is an insecure week for me. An unsure week. A bitter week, too. I realized this after going back and reading my last few blogs.

It's annoying being this self aware. I hate knowing that everything, every emotion and everything tangible is impermanent, and still having no control over it. It isn't excruciating but it ain't easy, waiting for the pendulum to swing back to manic from depression. It's probably cause I don't have any good books right now, that I have to embrace it.

I blame my dreams.

You know the ones. Not the one I had last night, with the dinosaur people. That one was alright, but all the rest I've had this week, full of mundane horrors where everyone is an accuser. Where I am guilted for desires I repress, but regret the the times I haven't acted on them, all in the name of being acceptable.

I blame my luck.

I have new things. New opportunities. New securities. Something is bound to go wrong. Everything is about to go wrong, and I don't know how.

I blame the weather.

It should be raining, but it's not. We've had dark skies for as long as I can remember (which isn't very long, as weather goes). I hide from the cold, because the skies are waiting for me. I go outside, and find it temperate and comfortable. The skies get thicker. When it gets me, it's gonna be bad. I should have gone out earlier, becauseI can't go out now.

I blame the attack ads...

We're all gonna die. We're all gonna lose our jobs to terrorists and Mexicans. If the war doesn't get our children, the pedophiles will, and if not the pedophiles then global warming, and if they somehow manage to wriggle free from the grasp of all these bogeymen, they'll be strangled by their own longevity when they find themselves old, broke, and without health care.

In a few hours, if I wake up in time, I'll have to grit my teeth and vote. I will vote for Greens and Libertarians wherever I can, and I will hold my nose and vote for Republicans. A lot of them. I'm sick of all the clout, the nepotism and cronyism, of the Democrats in power in this city. They expect my vote. They expect me to vote Democrat, or vote for ineffective third parties or not vote at all, but they don't expect me to vote for a racist, homophobic, Xenophobic Grand Old Party just to get rid of them, so that's what I'm going to have to do.

I keep going back to ten years ago. I think I appreciate the novelty. That I was a mostly formed adult human. Fourteen: cocky, sexualized, and opinionated. I was an anarchist then. I believed in collective farming and some sort of shared cooperative utopia, completely forgoing what people wanted. It would be so much easier to be an anarchist now, to work through defensive action and totally discount the current power structure.

At least I get to use one of the new voting machines. It'll be like using some negative ATM, that's all service charge and no payoff.

That's a terrible analogy. It'll be like donatng blood to a Klansmen.

On the brightside, as far as the machines go, there's a good chance my vote won't count. I know because I trained the people who'll be working it, and I know how hopeless they are.

I start working as a tutor today. 6th, 7th and 8th graders, all black. Old enough to call me on my bullshit, savvy enough to know how cheeseball the lesson plan is. I'm hoping they're desperate enough to work with me. I don't think I would have.

[currently watching: CNN]