points of contention. notes on hangover and how i became a mean person (total diary entry rant)

1.
yesterday i was depressed
not that usual tangible life sucks because of 1, 2, and 3
I suck because of a, b, and c
they all converge in a sack full of assholes right here
(I have just created the right triangle)
but that hungover, weary, 'I shouldn't be'
that wafts in and out as tales of the previous night's exploits float in

as I brushed my teeth, avoiding eye contact with mirror
i shrugged
maybe i used up all my serotonin reserves on the dance floor last night
when the whole world was at my house and i got to smile inwards and say
everybody loves me

and i just blew a fuse

it'll take at least 72 hours for my cells to regroup and stop pumping oil
but it'll come back again

there's a standup
who refers to blacking out drunk as 'time traveling'
i like to think of it as one of those old Marvel "What If..." comics
where I follow the same linear path and veer off for a night
and can do whatever I want
free of consequence afterwards
"Oh, don't mind Eric, he started early"
'Oh, he's just drunk, he's not really an asshole'

2.
...but I am
I am a terrible human
I understand it, that's all and can hide it well most of the time

but I seriously think that I'm starting to become a mean person al day
borne out of a need for attention and personal feelings of failure
i'm getting overly cynical
feeling actual vitrol against people I've never met
for the sheer fact that they're living better than me
better than I ever will

in my sketch group
I tell Jack to stopobsessing over pop fluff like Clay Aiken coz who cares about Clay Aiken? but c'mon, who cares about the people I've been sniping
they aren't even b-listers
just local cats with big mouths and big egos (and what the fuck am I if not that?)

my mother quit her job at a preschool and
ran a daycare out of our basement just after I was born
after a few years i was older than the other kids and it was my house
my terrain
i knew the lay of the land
i had all the secrets to surpassing the safety locks
i knew what corners were susceptible to monsters and boogeys in the middle of the night
what kind of cookies we had in the ceramic cow
and naps were beneath me
so I watched a lot of television
mostly WGN, WFLD and whatever channel 50 was before it became UPN
I saw a lot of old sitcoms
and a lot of movies from the 80s
that I thought were what life was
and i still do kinda
so I'm caught in this premature slobs versus snobs battle in my head
hopin to give that speech and get that girl and unite everyone at the end
and it doesn't exist
none of it does

I'm saying mean things more often
like Andy Kauffman used to torment himself,
I'm losing my innocence
and if I don't change now
I'll be completely consumed