mouth of the rat
I'm the tiniest bit my own hero again. I was talking to my 18 year old cousin Ryan, who stayed at my place for a couple days back in 2001. All I remember from those days is cleaning up after a party I had the night before, eating a shitload of crawfish, and taking him to the Shedd Aquarium with a stripper. He asked me an odd question today:
R: Yo Eric, I think I'm gonna come to Chicago for Spring Break.
E: Cool, I'll put you up. Show you a good time.
R: Are you gonna take me to another weird gallery?
E: Huh?
R: Last time I was there, you took me to this really weird gallery. There was a naked chick, with like a box on her head.
E: What?
R: This chick, she was naked and she had, like, a mailbox on her head, and she kept walking into walls and things. Don't you remember?
Ryan, if you read this, SMOKE LESS POT. I rely entirely on other people to tell me about most of the cool shit I've done. You don't want this to happen to you.
So I'm in Florida. Boca Raton. Boynton Beach. Everyone here is from New Jersey or South America. My mother's mother is here. Bubbe, and five of her children. My aunt Eileen came in from Jersey and we came in from Chicago. I'm the oldest and tallest of eleven grandchildren, most of whom are fairly unimpressed.
It's the same as it was last year. Every year, really. The last time I drove a car here, I totalled it,so I'm at the mercy of the people around me. I haven't been able to get in touch with anybody I know my age, which is just as well because everytime I do I get entirely too drunk and end up getting in trouble, so I watch a lot of VH1 and spend a lot of time working out. I just did 75 sit ups and found out that David Johannsen from the New York Dolls is also Buster Poindexter, the guy who sang that anoying "Hot Hot Hot" song. Every year I come down here, get forcefed a million pounds of beef, realize how fat I've gotten over the last few months, start working out all hardcore right up until finals and degenerate for the rest of the year until I come back to Florida. Hopefully, sans finals, I can break the pattern. I have my doubts though.
Here are the cds I brought to keep me sane:
Gravediggaz - Niggamortis
Dresden Dolls - Dresden Dolls
Kimya Dawson - I'm sorry that sometimes I'm Mean
Vincent Gallo - When
Various Artists - Blaxploitation Vol. 4
The P Funk Guitar Army - Tribute to Jimi Hendrix
GZA/the Genius - Liquid Swords
Various Artists - A Fistfull of Guitars (a tribute to Ennio Morricone)
Brenmar Someday - 16 Bit Theatre E.P.
My Dad's collection dwarfs that, and puts me to shame. He brought two mp3 players and a phonebook-thick stack of Rolling Stone back issues.
Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital to record my aunt Ida. She's 83, and doing progressively worse with each year. Seeing her makes me want to grow old, just so I can tell stories like her. It also makes me want to off myself young so I never have to see my own body attacking itself. She's got cellulitis and diabetes. The Doctors need to cut her open just to find veins for the IVs.
When I talked to her the other day, she told me about clubbing rats in the cellar of her parents home in Jersey, and a confused old man trying to climb into her bed at the hospital:
"Sure, if he was a nice, young stud like 45, 50 years old, then sure, but what am I going to do with a 90 year old?"
She also accused half the hospital staff of not speaking English and laughed for five minutes telling us about a bumper sticker that said UNDER EVERY BUSH IS SHIT
Here's another conversation from the week:
Aunt Eileen: So, I hear you've got company for the week.
Mom: Yeah, she can't wait til Friday to get us out.
Aunt Sarah: [raising her voice] You are putting WORDS in my mouth. You are an EASY guest.
Mom: You are an easy HOST.
Aunt Eileen: People used to call me easy
Mom: Yeah they did.
Aunt Eileen: But that was thirty years ago, it doesn't work as well at fifty-five. I'm not iane Keaton!
Good times. I think I ate my weight in latkes this morning. Homamade by Bubbe. Only the Jews and Pollacks understand the significance. Good shit.
I just found out that Cassandra Peterson, who was in the Groundlings with my cousin is over fifty five, and that Vincent Schiavelli, who was less than a year older, died this morning. She still has nice tits and he will be missed. He was one of those great, ugly people that always made me smile. One of the best character actors the world had to offer, too. R.I. P.
-------
For no real reason at all, myspace won't let me post bulletins
here's a piece of crap I took the time to write earlier today
How many myspace friends do you have? 339
How many people on your list have you kissed? 13
Has anyone on your list hurt you emotionally? about half of them. i'm fragile
Have you ever gone on a road trip with anyone on your list?
me, feesh and vagabonda drove to new orleans when i was 18. i still have the scars
Does anyone on your list live within walking distance of you?
well, i've lived with thirteen, in the same building as five more, one of my friends IS my house, Meredith lives across the street, and Sarah and Katie both live down the street
Does anyone on your list have kids of their own?
yep. pete, brandon, erica, others i'm sure
Have you gone skinny dipping with anyone on your list?
yep, sometimes even on dry land
Ever taken a shower with anyone on your list?
yes indeed
Are you keeping a secret from anyone on your list? oh yeah
Do you add just about anyone to your list? nope. everyone is either a friend, a local band I enjoy seeing, or a local band I don't enjoy but counts one of my friends among their ranks
Have you known anyone on your list for more than 10 Years?
ten peoples
Were you ever in love with anyone on your list?
yeah, both requited and un-
At any point in time have you ever had a crush on anyone on your list?
once again, about half. minimum.
Are you happy with myspace?
I'm displeased with my level of involvement within it
Your top eight ::
my top 8 are all DJs at WZRD 88.3, my once and future home
1- Dan Demchuk
2- Dave Pecoraro
3- Brigid Blume
4- Dennis Sagel
5- Ralf
6- Dan Gonzalez
7- Beth Turkin
8- Eleanor Balson
Did you hurt another friend by not putting them in your top eight?
if I did, they're a pussy. when i'm not lazy, my list revolves. that considered, anyone hurt is QUITE ESPECIALLY the pussy
What is your favorite memory of number 2?
Dorothea, Santana, and Alanna (myspacers all) were throwing an underwear party at the Ice Factory a few years back. Dave showed up with a gaggle of gay Asian hipsters wearing nothing but a scraggly beard, a toy fireman's helmet and a jockstrap. after a very revealing game of twister, I told him that another keg of honeybrown had been ordered. His response: "great, I haven't had anything in but cock my mouth for the last couple hours (by revealing, I mean browneye)
How did you meet number 4?
When I was 17, I went to a lot of parties at this awesome loft he had in Lakeview. There were bands, poets, nitrous tanks, kegs, and nudity. He was also the dj the first time I ever read on the radio back in 1999. I have nothin but fond memories of Dennis.
What song reminds you of number 1?
The Brother Ali song that goes
"In some neighborhoods/ you're a man when you have a bar mitzvah/in my hood you're a man the first time your father hits ya" because it was my favorite song the night we interviewed him at the Abbey Pub
What's your favorite thing about number 7?
she's very, jewish. 8 years ago we were in a Jewish youth program together and I used to ask her out all the time but she would turn me down because she had a boyfriend (who, incidentally, is -I believe- the man who convinced Feesh that she really wasn't that into dudes)
Have you ever dated number 8?
nope, I think I know her least of all, though she is pretty cute
How long have you known number 3?
7 years ago, we took improv classes together at Second City
Describe number 6?
I'm in Florida right now, which is a pretty terrible place. When he was growing up here, Dan said there was so little to do that he used to huff gasoline. When I was fourteen, Dan was there when I got high for the first time. Oddly enough, the word I'd use to describe him is "professional"
Give me a funny quote from number 5?
I haven't seen him in person in 2 years so I don't remember any. He used to have a big lizard though, which was cool
R: Yo Eric, I think I'm gonna come to Chicago for Spring Break.
E: Cool, I'll put you up. Show you a good time.
R: Are you gonna take me to another weird gallery?
E: Huh?
R: Last time I was there, you took me to this really weird gallery. There was a naked chick, with like a box on her head.
E: What?
R: This chick, she was naked and she had, like, a mailbox on her head, and she kept walking into walls and things. Don't you remember?
Ryan, if you read this, SMOKE LESS POT. I rely entirely on other people to tell me about most of the cool shit I've done. You don't want this to happen to you.
So I'm in Florida. Boca Raton. Boynton Beach. Everyone here is from New Jersey or South America. My mother's mother is here. Bubbe, and five of her children. My aunt Eileen came in from Jersey and we came in from Chicago. I'm the oldest and tallest of eleven grandchildren, most of whom are fairly unimpressed.
It's the same as it was last year. Every year, really. The last time I drove a car here, I totalled it,so I'm at the mercy of the people around me. I haven't been able to get in touch with anybody I know my age, which is just as well because everytime I do I get entirely too drunk and end up getting in trouble, so I watch a lot of VH1 and spend a lot of time working out. I just did 75 sit ups and found out that David Johannsen from the New York Dolls is also Buster Poindexter, the guy who sang that anoying "Hot Hot Hot" song. Every year I come down here, get forcefed a million pounds of beef, realize how fat I've gotten over the last few months, start working out all hardcore right up until finals and degenerate for the rest of the year until I come back to Florida. Hopefully, sans finals, I can break the pattern. I have my doubts though.
Here are the cds I brought to keep me sane:
Gravediggaz - Niggamortis
Dresden Dolls - Dresden Dolls
Kimya Dawson - I'm sorry that sometimes I'm Mean
Vincent Gallo - When
Various Artists - Blaxploitation Vol. 4
The P Funk Guitar Army - Tribute to Jimi Hendrix
GZA/the Genius - Liquid Swords
Various Artists - A Fistfull of Guitars (a tribute to Ennio Morricone)
Brenmar Someday - 16 Bit Theatre E.P.
My Dad's collection dwarfs that, and puts me to shame. He brought two mp3 players and a phonebook-thick stack of Rolling Stone back issues.
Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital to record my aunt Ida. She's 83, and doing progressively worse with each year. Seeing her makes me want to grow old, just so I can tell stories like her. It also makes me want to off myself young so I never have to see my own body attacking itself. She's got cellulitis and diabetes. The Doctors need to cut her open just to find veins for the IVs.
When I talked to her the other day, she told me about clubbing rats in the cellar of her parents home in Jersey, and a confused old man trying to climb into her bed at the hospital:
"Sure, if he was a nice, young stud like 45, 50 years old, then sure, but what am I going to do with a 90 year old?"
She also accused half the hospital staff of not speaking English and laughed for five minutes telling us about a bumper sticker that said UNDER EVERY BUSH IS SHIT
Here's another conversation from the week:
Aunt Eileen: So, I hear you've got company for the week.
Mom: Yeah, she can't wait til Friday to get us out.
Aunt Sarah: [raising her voice] You are putting WORDS in my mouth. You are an EASY guest.
Mom: You are an easy HOST.
Aunt Eileen: People used to call me easy
Mom: Yeah they did.
Aunt Eileen: But that was thirty years ago, it doesn't work as well at fifty-five. I'm not iane Keaton!
Good times. I think I ate my weight in latkes this morning. Homamade by Bubbe. Only the Jews and Pollacks understand the significance. Good shit.
I just found out that Cassandra Peterson, who was in the Groundlings with my cousin is over fifty five, and that Vincent Schiavelli, who was less than a year older, died this morning. She still has nice tits and he will be missed. He was one of those great, ugly people that always made me smile. One of the best character actors the world had to offer, too. R.I. P.
-------
For no real reason at all, myspace won't let me post bulletins
here's a piece of crap I took the time to write earlier today
How many myspace friends do you have? 339
How many people on your list have you kissed? 13
Has anyone on your list hurt you emotionally? about half of them. i'm fragile
Have you ever gone on a road trip with anyone on your list?
me, feesh and vagabonda drove to new orleans when i was 18. i still have the scars
Does anyone on your list live within walking distance of you?
well, i've lived with thirteen, in the same building as five more, one of my friends IS my house, Meredith lives across the street, and Sarah and Katie both live down the street
Does anyone on your list have kids of their own?
yep. pete, brandon, erica, others i'm sure
Have you gone skinny dipping with anyone on your list?
yep, sometimes even on dry land
Ever taken a shower with anyone on your list?
yes indeed
Are you keeping a secret from anyone on your list? oh yeah
Do you add just about anyone to your list? nope. everyone is either a friend, a local band I enjoy seeing, or a local band I don't enjoy but counts one of my friends among their ranks
Have you known anyone on your list for more than 10 Years?
ten peoples
Were you ever in love with anyone on your list?
yeah, both requited and un-
At any point in time have you ever had a crush on anyone on your list?
once again, about half. minimum.
Are you happy with myspace?
I'm displeased with my level of involvement within it
Your top eight ::
my top 8 are all DJs at WZRD 88.3, my once and future home
1- Dan Demchuk
2- Dave Pecoraro
3- Brigid Blume
4- Dennis Sagel
5- Ralf
6- Dan Gonzalez
7- Beth Turkin
8- Eleanor Balson
Did you hurt another friend by not putting them in your top eight?
if I did, they're a pussy. when i'm not lazy, my list revolves. that considered, anyone hurt is QUITE ESPECIALLY the pussy
What is your favorite memory of number 2?
Dorothea, Santana, and Alanna (myspacers all) were throwing an underwear party at the Ice Factory a few years back. Dave showed up with a gaggle of gay Asian hipsters wearing nothing but a scraggly beard, a toy fireman's helmet and a jockstrap. after a very revealing game of twister, I told him that another keg of honeybrown had been ordered. His response: "great, I haven't had anything in but cock my mouth for the last couple hours (by revealing, I mean browneye)
How did you meet number 4?
When I was 17, I went to a lot of parties at this awesome loft he had in Lakeview. There were bands, poets, nitrous tanks, kegs, and nudity. He was also the dj the first time I ever read on the radio back in 1999. I have nothin but fond memories of Dennis.
What song reminds you of number 1?
The Brother Ali song that goes
"In some neighborhoods/ you're a man when you have a bar mitzvah/in my hood you're a man the first time your father hits ya" because it was my favorite song the night we interviewed him at the Abbey Pub
What's your favorite thing about number 7?
she's very, jewish. 8 years ago we were in a Jewish youth program together and I used to ask her out all the time but she would turn me down because she had a boyfriend (who, incidentally, is -I believe- the man who convinced Feesh that she really wasn't that into dudes)
Have you ever dated number 8?
nope, I think I know her least of all, though she is pretty cute
How long have you known number 3?
7 years ago, we took improv classes together at Second City
Describe number 6?
I'm in Florida right now, which is a pretty terrible place. When he was growing up here, Dan said there was so little to do that he used to huff gasoline. When I was fourteen, Dan was there when I got high for the first time. Oddly enough, the word I'd use to describe him is "professional"
Give me a funny quote from number 5?
I haven't seen him in person in 2 years so I don't remember any. He used to have a big lizard though, which was cool
1 Comments:
Thank you very much Eric! Much appreciated. From you, one whose radio licks are of the utmost admirable, the compliment is well received.
Thanx!
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