new record achieved in the field of "finding self disgusted in holiday treacle on FOX"
3 seconds
Announcer: Children writing letters to Santa, it's a tradition as old as Christmas itself
No. It isn't.
the Santa Claus we know and love, the gift-bearing elf who is none too fond of Jews, Buddhist and Hindus was born in the 4th century. It is debatable whether Santa's myth grew out of the legend of Christian Turkey's Saint Nicholas or if Papa Noel is an adaptation of the jolly, bearded demon who presided over the pagan orgy fest Saturnalia whose decorated fir trees were adopted for the new Christian holiday. Some even say that Santa Claus and his horse are none other than the mighty Wotan and his horse Slepnir (popular with Hitler and Wagner alike)
needless to say, children's literacy rates were pretty low at the time, whether the time is the first century or the fourth and it would take at least a millenium for them to start improving, so, um, FUCK YOU FOX (reason # 6 billion and two)
here is a Santa Claus story I enjoy
Old German folk tales, from before Germany was Germany, when it was little more than a village of huts surrounded by dense wood where people would disappear into, tell of a holy man and a demon. The holy man may have been named Nicholas and the demon may have been named Krampus.
Nicholas lived in a land much like Germany, and so did Krampus. This land was terrorized by a horrible beast who would slither down down chimneys to feed on children. Sometimes they were torn apart where they slept and sometimes they would be stuffed into a sack and saved for later. Nicholas the holy man went out in search of the legendary demon, in his hands was a pair of chain-and-leather shackles. These shackles had at one time or another, restrained Peter, Paul and the Christ himself. Their blood had softened the leather and hardened the steel. Krampus was not afraid of the shackles for he was cocky, and unawarwe of their history. He dared the holy man to put them on and with a sly smile on his face, the holy man obliged him. The demon, a terrible rapist and scourge on the town himself, was trapped, obedient to the will of his new master. Nicholas sent him into each house to amend for the sins of his brother. He did this by delivering gifts to the children, shackled the whole while. At the end of the ordeal, he was so disgusted with his own forced charity that he begged be sent back to Hell, where he was accepted with open arms.
It seems to me that if a demon is sneaking into your house to eat your children, it's not the best idea to send another demon in to apologize. I guess people were just made of tougher stuff back then. That's the Christmas I want to celebrate. That, and maybe the Dutch one where Santa has a sidekick, a black midget by the name of Zwarte Piet (or "Black Peter")
It's times like these that I'm glad that Hannukah is just a small symbolic miracle to emphasize the importance of a big military victory (where, according to Jewish coloring books, soldiers fought on motherfucking elephants) and that Kwanzaa is just a celebration of family, community, personal strength and value, invented by a Black Panther.
Happy Solstice Everybody
and to all a good night
Announcer: Children writing letters to Santa, it's a tradition as old as Christmas itself
No. It isn't.
the Santa Claus we know and love, the gift-bearing elf who is none too fond of Jews, Buddhist and Hindus was born in the 4th century. It is debatable whether Santa's myth grew out of the legend of Christian Turkey's Saint Nicholas or if Papa Noel is an adaptation of the jolly, bearded demon who presided over the pagan orgy fest Saturnalia whose decorated fir trees were adopted for the new Christian holiday. Some even say that Santa Claus and his horse are none other than the mighty Wotan and his horse Slepnir (popular with Hitler and Wagner alike)
needless to say, children's literacy rates were pretty low at the time, whether the time is the first century or the fourth and it would take at least a millenium for them to start improving, so, um, FUCK YOU FOX (reason # 6 billion and two)
here is a Santa Claus story I enjoy
Old German folk tales, from before Germany was Germany, when it was little more than a village of huts surrounded by dense wood where people would disappear into, tell of a holy man and a demon. The holy man may have been named Nicholas and the demon may have been named Krampus.
Nicholas lived in a land much like Germany, and so did Krampus. This land was terrorized by a horrible beast who would slither down down chimneys to feed on children. Sometimes they were torn apart where they slept and sometimes they would be stuffed into a sack and saved for later. Nicholas the holy man went out in search of the legendary demon, in his hands was a pair of chain-and-leather shackles. These shackles had at one time or another, restrained Peter, Paul and the Christ himself. Their blood had softened the leather and hardened the steel. Krampus was not afraid of the shackles for he was cocky, and unawarwe of their history. He dared the holy man to put them on and with a sly smile on his face, the holy man obliged him. The demon, a terrible rapist and scourge on the town himself, was trapped, obedient to the will of his new master. Nicholas sent him into each house to amend for the sins of his brother. He did this by delivering gifts to the children, shackled the whole while. At the end of the ordeal, he was so disgusted with his own forced charity that he begged be sent back to Hell, where he was accepted with open arms.
It seems to me that if a demon is sneaking into your house to eat your children, it's not the best idea to send another demon in to apologize. I guess people were just made of tougher stuff back then. That's the Christmas I want to celebrate. That, and maybe the Dutch one where Santa has a sidekick, a black midget by the name of Zwarte Piet (or "Black Peter")
It's times like these that I'm glad that Hannukah is just a small symbolic miracle to emphasize the importance of a big military victory (where, according to Jewish coloring books, soldiers fought on motherfucking elephants) and that Kwanzaa is just a celebration of family, community, personal strength and value, invented by a Black Panther.
Happy Solstice Everybody
and to all a good night
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