k_driya truvillian is a dirty **** who will probably rob me

My cousin Rachel attended one of those Seven Sisters schools. Sarah Lawrence or something. One of her first roommates was a witch. Not in a pejorative sense per se. She wasn't a Wiccan, though, or anything trendy and definitely not part of a coven or anything She was, at least in her head, a practitioner of dark arts. Probably just a girl with a crush on Fairuza Bailk who saw the Craft too many times. I cann't 'blame her. I've been in the same boat. Thank God and the Jews for making those first couple minutes of American History X. Anyway, this girl's witchy habits were getting obnoxious. She liked to have loud sex with strange men, cut herself, and paint pictures with her menstrual blood. Rachel was a trooper. Even though she was a little weirded out by the whole thing, it was to be expected, at least a little, from an art school full of rich weirdos. She eventually had to be transferred because she was sick of having spells cast on her and living in a place that smelled of period blood. Over the last five years I have lived with Lon, John, Nell, Claire, that red haired chick whose name escapes me, Shahbaz, Cheryl, Ken, Jason, Kyle, Nate, Tania, Nick, my parents and over twenty animals Duo, Franklin, Sarah, Jessie, Jackie, Rachel and Matt have boarded, slept on couches or regularly stayed over for more than five nights a week Although many of these people may have some choice words to say about me, I have only had negative experiences with three people Chris Coates, Curran McHenry, and K_driya Truvillian Chris was an obsessive compulsive who never respected me. He had a drill bit lodged in his head and suffered night terrors. Curran was a fat slob who smoked too much pot, reeked of b.o. and ran up hundreds of dollars calling "singles hotlines" that he never paid now there's K_driya here are seven things I don't like about her: 7. You ever look at a place and see a bunch of cool toys and think, "Ooh, I want to live here, there are a bunch of cool toys"? When my parents moved from the townhouse to the home they currently live in, the family that was leaving had a lot of awesome stuff. One of those awesome things was a Fisher Price carousel, that I got to play with. I wanted the place instantly. Usually, the case is that the toys go with the person and the new boarder is upset. When I was showing K_driya the apartment, I told her we have a projector. "Ooh," she said, "I have Netflicks and a Game Cube!" 6. Claiming germaphobia, she doesn't take out the trash. Instead, she fills up tiny shopping bags with old food and debris and leaves them clustered around the trash can like some sort of monolithic altar for me to clean up. 5. She orders pizza every night. Every night! When K_driya first moved in, we asked if she could stock the fridge in exchange for letting her move in half a month early. She never did. In fact, the first time she brought food or beer into the house, she said she would only CHARGE US a couple bucks if we wanted to share. Since then, she has ordered pizza three to six nights a week and never once offered to share. Often, there are two or three hal f-fullpizza boxes taking up room in the fridge because (see 5), she won't throw them away. Not only that but she can AFFORD to order that many pizzas. Not only that but she can eat that many pizzas without gaining weight. I especially hate that. 4. I could never get the rent from her on time. every fucking month I'd have to pull her teeth to get the entire rent check from her. Every month she would forget that she has a three hundred dollar limit on her ATM and spend a week nickel-and-diming and dicking me around. 3. She would never fucking buy toilet paper or even put a new roll on the thingie. How fucking hard is that? 2. She took advantage of the fact that she scared the shit out of Tania. I could give a shit that she's black, in the military, or that she used to sell crack. I've still got half a foot and a hundred pounds on her plus I'm not high all the time. Still, she scares Tania, and when me and Tania did something that pissed her off (something marginal that we both did in equal parts), she woke up Tania screaminng and never said shit to me. 1. She's holding our mail keys hostage. Yep, she can get into our mailbox and we can't. I'm not sure if there's a legal term for it. Trespassing? Even though she's moved out she refuses to give us our only mail key because she has "an important package" on the way. Supposedly she has made copies for the rest of us but we still haven't seen them. I don't even want her to have those. How fucking creepy is it that she can get into our mailbox and house any time she wants. those are things I know I don't like about her, here are three things Tania and I believe that make her 1. She may have murdered our cat. Our cat Satellite, who arrived as a kitten only a year ago died last month after eating poison. We did our math and found out that he hadn't snuck out that night. I'm pretty sure there wasn't enough discarded poison lying around to eat away at his liver. Besides, cats are smart enough to naturally avoid poison. After a sniff or two, nearly any animal, no matter how domesticated, will know the difference between a Draino spill and a saucer of milk 2. She's been throwing away our mail. Since she moved in, no bills have arrived except the ones in her name. Even our snail spam is gone. No more listings from the museum for Tania. No more Guitar Center mailings for me. 3. She stole my fucking keys. Surprisingly, when I asked her for her keys to the house yesterday, she pulled them off her keyring and handed them to me with no delay. Later on, however, I noticed that my keys had vanished altogether. She can still get in our house whever she wants. When Kyle and Nate left in October, she took over Nate's old room on Kyle's recommendation. We don't hold it against Kyle but Tania says she'll never live with someone she doesn't know again. We're both a little scared that something will happen and I want my keys back. They had a bottle opener, a jump drive and keys to my parents' house, my office, the office of a magazine I work for, and the door to a theater that used to house a pirate radio station, and I don't want to lose all that. Anyway, the rest of this letter is directed towards the head of the army. Dear Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush (or whomever it may concern), K_driya Truvillian is high right now. She was high most of yesterday and has a sizeable bag'o'weed ready for tomorrow. Please drug test her without warning. Think of it as an intervention, it's for her own good. She's acting irrationally and well outside the law. If she has any warning of the test before she gets onto base, she will just buy that Detox juice to make her piss cloudy and untestable and get away with it. You don't want that to happen. Spring it on her. Or just send her to Iraq. She won't be missed. P.S. Underscores have been put in to place to avoid accusations of libel/slander. Also, I've been drinking.